Understanding Relationships pt. 3
PRINCIPLES FOR SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIPS (continued)
3. BE AN ACTIVE CONTRIBUTOR
Relationships require the active participation of every party involved in order to thrive. Never be a part of any relationship if you are not willing to be an active contributor.
- Don't be a spectator "let's see how this goes"
- Don't be a parasite "what's in it for me"
- Don't be selfish "my way or the high way"
- Don't be a difficult person "I am always right"
- Don't be a toxic person "you are nothing without me"
- Be a contributor "how can we make this happen"
Let people miss you when you are absent and let them enjoy your company when you are present.
Challenge yourself to give more than you take. Let me reiterate a point I made earlier, nobody wants to hang around a parasite. People will discard you and close the door against you in a heart bit when they notice your parasitic tendencies.
Be more conscious about giving than receiving in a relationship. Everyone has needs but they will will only gravitate towards those that are willing to meet those needs no matter how small their contribution may be.
It is unfortunate that when people find their self in a relationship all they think about is, "What can I get?", "What can he/she do for me?" Ladies accept to date a guy because of the financial benefits. Guys ask a lady out just to satisfy their sexual crave. A new term has been coined for this unfortunate lifestyle, "Friends with benefit."
It is customary for children to run to you because you display a packet of biscuit before them. They are only concerned with their wants. But as we GROW UP our priorities must shift from what I can get to how I can contribute to make things better.
Finally on this, every relationship that is not a leverage is a bondage. Don't be afraid to announce your exit from such relationships.
4. SHOW EMPATHY
Empathy is the ability to understand how people feel. It is the ability to understand people's motivations. It is an important tool if you want to preserve your relationship. If you judge people based on their actions alone there is the possibility that you will be wrong with your judgment.
You must be mature enough to look beyond yourself, to look beyond someones actions and understand even what the individual is not saying.
People have history and so do you. Sometimes you need to understand what they have been through before attempting to make any conclusion on them.
A lady that was molested during her childhood will need a long time to recover from that kind of tragic experience.
A young man that went through all kinds of insult from his parents for his mistakes will need time to recover.
He may even act abnormal towards those in authority because he was disappointed by the first people that were supposed to model leadership to him. He will not trust easily, he will not submit easily, he will not love easily, he will not even associate with people easily.
By empathizing, you bring the totality of a person's life into perspective. You look at them as a whole human being instead of using one area, one event or an attitude to rate them.
By empathizing, you bring the totality of a person's life into perspective. You look at them as a whole human being instead of using one area, one event or an attitude to rate them.
Empathy helps you to identify why people do the things they do, and seek for ways to help them. Empathy requires patience.
FIVE WAYS TO IDENTIFY QUALITY PEOPLE
People go into relationships for all kinds of reasons and with all kinds of people. Some, as earlier stated are driven by their emotions, while others only consider physical appearances. Some, driven by greed, go into relationships because of the financial status of the other person and before long they become slaves and puppets.
The truth is this, you can never build solid relationships if you only relate with those that can give you money. In fact, the easiest way to destroy your relationship with the rich is to ask them for money. Most of the time, people who look poor may be the key that opens you to the next level of your life. To go around despising such people may be a very costly mistake.
Therefore, to choose the right relationships, you must be courageous enough to put sentiments aside and be centered on principles. These are basic guidelines but they apply to relationships at all levels.
1. CONSISTENCY OF CHARACTER
Character is the ability to conform to right behaviour. It is the seed for being trustworthy. One dictionary defined character as moral strength.
Being in a close relationship with someone who has character flaws or who fluctuates in character is a treat to your destiny.
There is an adage that says, "Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are."
Do not build relationships with someone whose character you cannot defend. Many people have ended up in jail because of this single mistake. If your "friend" runs away after committing a crime, guess who the law enforcement agencies will come looking for? Your guess was as good as mine. You don't want to put your life in such unnecessary risk.
Many have lost their virginity because they chose to become friends with people who made them feel that it was a crime to be a virgin. Some have gotten into the use of hard drugs just because they became friends with people who used hard drugs.
Don't let the looks deceive you. Don't let the swag deceive you. Don't let the sweet words deceive you. Don't let the extravagant lifestyle deceive you. If you don't find character in that individual then it is a danger zone. Don't say, "I will change him/her." Don't say, "It is fine as long as I am not indulging in the act." As we say in pidgin English, "Na from clap them dey take enter dance." That means clapping proceeds dancing).
When someone consistently violates the standards of right behaviour without any sense of remorse or repentance it is better to let such people be for the sake of your mental health and your integrity. Such people should be allowed to be alone to fix their moral deficiency.
The danger is that, if you keep hanging around such people, you will keep adjusting your boundary of what is acceptable or normal and before long you would have forgotten who you used to be. A new you will then emerge who has no problem with the same lifestyle that you used to be against.
Character is the first litmus test when identifying quality people. If you find yourself in any form of relationship with an individual or a group of people that is void of character, you are free to walk away for the sake of your destiny and your sanity.
Relationship is not a matter of life and death. Even if the person is a religious leader and he does not display moral strength you are still free to walk away.
Inconsistency of character is not something you should identify with. Sometimes such people appear to have dual personalities and you don't know what to expect at a particular time. If the person is not willing to take responsibility for this kind of lifestyle then you have no reason to remain in that kind of relationship.
This has nothing to do with expecting people to be perfect.
It is understandable that character takes time to build and preserve, and people can have shortcomings. This is normal and should even be expected.
However, when it happens on a consistent basis and the individual has no sense of remorse, it is wise for you to walk away from such a person.
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